I am (mildly) depressed.
When I decided to launch this blog, I knew there would be periods of inactivity when I just didn’t have the time/energy/focus to post. In fact, one of the reasons I decided to launch it was because I knew these gaps would come. I have wrestled with low-grade depression, also called dysthymia, nearly all my life. Now that I find myself in a scary moment — between jobs, very little savings — finding the discipline to focus on, well, pretty much anything is hard. I’ll probably walk away from writing this at least twenty times before I finish, and the end result will not cohere well. But it’s all I got right now, so here you go.
I was diagnosed three years ago, I think. The symptoms are so common, they’re depressing (haha, get it? i kill me): listlessness, inability to focus, irregular sleep schedules. I’ve only rarely been seriously depressed to the point of losing appetite or simply being unable to get out of bed, but I’ve long gone through life feeling like I was pulling cinder blocks around with me wherever I went. Then, I was diagnosed and prescribed small dosages of a reuptake inhibitor — a drug in the same family as Prozac, Zoloft, etc. — called Lexapro. I’ve spent most of the last three years on Lexapro. Now that I’m between jobs, I’ve quit, firstly for financial reasons — Lexapro ain’t cheap. But now that I’ve been off of it for a few weeks, I realize I’m not going back.
I don’t know enough of others’ experiences with Lexapro even to guess, but I can describe mine. First, it’s a great leveler, one of those drugs that mutes both the highs and the lows, so everything seems more manageable… but also a bit joyless. It also short-circuited much of my sex drive, not carving into desire necessarily, but making staying “in the moment” for intimacy almost impossible — my mind would somehow wander, precisely when no one wants it to. And that, maybe, summarizes everything about the drug that convinces me that I’m done with it, because for all its leveling effects, all its ability to make me feel as though the challenges in front of me aren’t insurmountable, it actually cost me dearly in my ability to meet those challenges. I never focused any better because of it — probably much worse. I just wasn’t as stressed about it.
So now, it’s a new old life, and that’s daunting. I didn’t go to a psychiatrist on a whim, after all — I presented with real issues trying to muck my way through the mundane details of life without getting distracted by the flashy. At best, those distractions would keep me from what I needed to be doing; at worst, they led me to some bad decisions that caused a lot of hurt for a lot of people. I know I’m not going back to that. But it’s going to require a serious daily commitment not to give up the advances I made under medication, and I did make several. I’m going to need to act out of character, give up some of my bohemian tendency to make every day an exercise in jazz improvisation, and create structured days for myself.
And that, right there, may be the crux of it all. My biggest haunting fear is that I’m forgetting to do what I really should be doing, or that I’m missing out on something important that everyone else is part of. Freed from the anxiety of wondering what I’m forgetting, I wonder what I might be able to accomplish. I hope to find out. Maybe I’ll get to where I’m publishing on this blog every day, even.
For those of you still hanging with me after all this, thank you. If you have any stories to tell or advice to share, the comments are all yours.
I have a feeling of what you’re going through… I did the Lexapro regimen, vitamin B, lots of exercise, anything to shake it. There was a constant, hideous pain throughout my core that only went away when I was drinking or exercising.
Thanks for sharing what you’re going through… it takes a lot of courage.
Hey there!
You know, for what it’s worth, I too have suffered from time to time with depression. Xanax was a good friend in my younger days and Valium was a nice cousin for Xanax. However, I never took either daily, only, literally, as needed…when I felt a “storm brewing”. I feel your pain. As an adult I began to present as ADD about 8 years ago…when I started my Masters while teaching 4th graders, managing 2 kids and a household with a traveling husband…WHO KNEW? I started Strattera then. I immediately noticed how much faster I was able to read and absorb, but also noticed the creativity was being sapped out of me. It was slow to show, but it was real. I stopped the Strattera after I finished my Masters (3 yrs ago). I stayed off of it for about 1 year until my husband started his 6 wks at home, 9 wks in Hong Kong stint and then when he moved, I tanked. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t get kids where they needed to be, could barely drive. I went back on Strattera and it has really made a big difference. But, the deal is…I hate it. I hate that I don’t have creative thought nearly like I did before…everything is linear thought and just leaves me lacking. I would love to take advantage of my new situation to start writing a book, but I’ve gotta wean myself off this stuff first. Honestly, my family can’t stand to have me off of it because apparently I’m annoying! Ha! However, I believe with all my being I can do it. There may be a bit of time with some challenges, but I think I can control my ADD mentally without the baggage of a house we own and maintain, cars we own and maintain, a full time job, etc.
But here’s the hard part for me to say. I honestly and truly believe I am going to gather my strength from the one path that has always served me well…the path of God. Please know that I don’t attend a church, I’m relatively anti-organized religion, and worship alone and at home. I’m very private about my own “Conversations with God”. The book I’ve been reading by the same title really validates alot of my own thoughts. So much of what we want is already within us. Our parents, society, etc. have forced us not to see it.
This decision, to move to Hong Kong, was totally a “give it to God” decision. I honestly felt no worry, no stress, no fear about the move itself because I told God I would put all my eggs in his basket and I wouldn’t interfere. I mean really not interfere. Normally I say “it’s all yours” and then I sort of derail things and jump in, etc. This time, I didn’t. You know what? Once I did that, my husband voluntarily asked me to quit–which opened my postion to my friend to sub—which led her to a job she wouldn’t have gotten this Fall–and also led to another friend getting to stay in “our” position because they cut it from 2 to 1 and since I was gone, she was in. It also allowed me the time I needed to nurse my friend through a painful divorce, spend some really valuable quality time with my Senior that I would never regret, and make several trips to HK that I wouldn’t have been able to do that helped rebuild my own marriage which struggled with the yawning space between us and our independent lives. I was also able to do the loads of research and paperwork involved in an overwhelming mood all the while prepping my mother and dad (I’m an only) for this painful seperation.
There were hundreds of more examples of where things just seemed to naturally point to the idea that this move was truly “meant to be” and “blessed”. I have never in my life felt that more literally and spiritually than I do now. All of that positive energy just boiled and exploded into what I believe will be one of the most profound experiences of my life. Maybe profound is not the right word, but you get the idea. All of that has also led me to start looking at the idea of “God” in a new way…not an organized religion driven way, but an inner soul search way. I’m doing a reset on my life…sounds like you have an opportunity for one as well. Find yourself, embrace yourself, and let that keen wit and insight be your guide…and let God in. I think he wants to speak with you….
Best of luck and I’m a computer click away if you need me! :)